Lent III – Conversation

The Gospel this Sunday (John 4:1-42) was all about a conversation – one that might have seemed very odd to many at the time but it was a conversation nonetheless. I was struck by the conversational intimacy that quickly developed between Jesus and the Samaritan woman – that the apparent distance in culture and gender quickly melted away when things of importance were brought up. The excitement with which she went back to tell the rest of the town was palpable towards the end of the passage, an excitement that came about because of the recognition of the new life that was offered to her and to everyone else.

When we converse, we exchange words and ideas but that’s not all that happens. Something deeper occurs between those in the conversation, a meeting of minds and hearts that often has the effect of bringing a person out of themselves. Without conversations, we can very easily sink into the swamps of our own thoughts, self-doubt and misery, not realising that there may be others who are in the same boat as us and some who can truly help us. Conversation opens up to possibilities beyond ourselves and more importantly, opens us to possibilities of reaching God.

I was shown this video clip several years ago and it still moves me. This very modern take on the woman at the well shows a woman struggling and hurting, speaking about all the things that have gone or are going wrong with her. The person of Jesus is visually absent but undeniably present as one hears the change in the tone and message of the woman as she slowly hears the voice of the Lord amidst her struggles. In the conversation that occurs unspoken, she feels like she is recognised as a person and loved solely because she is a person also. That was when the despair turned into hope.

‘To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known.’ She repeats this so many times and in many ways, this phrase lies at the heart of why we make conversation, why we try to get to know each other. Because it allows us to be known to others and to be loved as a result. It allows us to know others whom we are called to love. The call to love others can be quite empty if we do not know who we are to love at all. During this time of Lent, I feel that we’re all called to reach out, to people whom we sort-of-know, to get to know them better so that we can truly love them as they deserve. To converse is to come to know, to come to know is to come to love. We see that in the Gospels, we can see that in our lives too. All we have to do is make it happen.

Lent II – Endurance

My legs are sore and I’m still feeling a little hungry after dinner. While this may sound like a common lament during Lent, I’ve a different reason for feeling so. Had the opportunity to participate in the Roma-Ostia half marathon this morning and slightly tired legs aside, it was a great experience. This is one of the oldest running races in Rome and the course takes one from near the middle of Rome to the ancient port city of Ostia, facing the Tyrrhenian Sea. I also found it to be one of the best organised running races I’ve been to so far and though the course wasn’t quite so easy, I enjoyed myself and got to feel and see parts of the city that many would not. Running is a wonderful way of getting to know a place.

Got the t-shirt, got the medal. Have I got the endurance?

The last four kilometres of the run gave me much matter for reflection. Not having studied the route properly and probably having gone a little too fast in the beginning, the gentle slopes in that part of the route seemed less than gentle. As I struggled up what seemed to be never ending slops, I dawned upon me what one learns from distance running. Endurance is one. Endurance means to stay with something, no matter how unpleasant, knowing that there’s something better that will come out of it. In running, it means sticking with something, putting one foot in front of the other and dragging oneself to the end if necessary. The other is faith. Faith in oneself and faith in God who called us to whatever we’re to do, knowing that we’re always given the things and abilities necessary to achieve what we’re called to do.

Endurance is important in times like Lent. Things usually start well and we begin our journey with great fervour. After some time, the fervour wears out and the observances and practices become less interesting and seem burdensome even. We’re called to stick it out, to stay with what we committed to before, knowing that there’s something better to be gained at the end of all that we do. The other thing about endurance is that it builds on itself. The more we are able to endure situations, the better we’re able to do so in the future.

Endurance is not an end in itself. We work on it because we know it works on us. St Paul wrote that endurance builds character and character produces hope (Romans 5:4) which indicates that endurance is a key virtue in the life of humans. Endurance produces hope because through it, we’re not content with settling for situations that are sub-optimal. We see the possibility of something beyond the sufferings of the present but there’s things to be endured in the meantime. Hope bolsters the sense of endurance that we have, giving us the strength to be able to get to where we know we need to.

We endure because we have faith – in the one who gave us the ability to endure and also in the possible fruits of the endurance itself. Faith comes along with the hope that endurance produces. We don’t endure for no reason and it is through faith in the Lord that we can endure. It’s a difficult relationship sometimes – enduring difficult situations when we’ve yet to feel the sense of hope and faith can be disheartening and futile even. But we’re always sure of one thing – that if we’re doing what the Lord’s called us to do, then the hope will ultimately emerge. We just have to stay and wait for it. Endure again.

I’ve been participating in endurance events for a while and at first, it was just proving things to myself – that I could actually achieve things beyond what I (or even others) though were possible. But as one gets deeper into the ‘whys’ of doing endurance sports, a more transformative reason emerges. Beyond just proving things to oneself, there’s a sense of transformation, of sublimating that into a means of engaging with God through the enduring self and of growing in faith and hope as one grows in endurance. Running may not be for everyone but everyone is on their own journey towards the Lord. How are we enduring, staying with the Lord during this season of Lent?

Lent I – Humanification

It’s interesting how learning a new language opens up new horizons as words that one purports to be familiar with take on new meanings. We began the season of Lent a few days ago and there are calls for prayer, fasting and alms-giving – acts of mortification that would allow us to enter more deeply into this season. I know the roots of the word ‘mortification’ but learning (and struggling to speak) a new language puts things into greater perspective. Mortification comes from the Latin mortem (morte in Italian) and refers to the acts of self-denial and how one has to die to oneself in order to rise with the Lord. That’s all integral to the spiritual life and our progress in it but sometimes we can take ourselves too seriously and go overboard with the ‘dying’ component of the mortification (and Lenten observances) and forget the living bits.

Humanity – to reach that and to live the life that the Lord gives us. [Image source]

I’d like to propose a different way of seeing Lent. Instead of dying to ourselves, why not live more fully the life that the Lord gives us? Instead of mortification, why not try humanification instead? This is not a call for laxity or removal of our Lenten observances but to do the same with a different and possibly more expansive point of view. The image of dying to oneself in one’s pursuit of God has its merits but may not be as palatable to many in this day and age. Humanification or the recovering of our true essence as created beings of the Lord can be an easier entry-point to the penances and observances of Lent that more can adopt before deepening the process with the dying to the self. Allow me to explain this in the light of the three calls of Ash Wednesday to prayer, fasting and alms-giving.

We start with the self and our need for dependency for God. That’s what fasting does to us. As we are deprived of something that we normally have or are used to, we’re forced to recognise our human frailty and strengthen our faith and trust in God our creator. We’re humanified here because we embrace our fallen humanity even more closely in the recognition of our weakness and are more desirous of the conversion that only God can bring us. We put ourselves in a position to be healed as only humans need to be and that in turn brings us closer to God who reaches out to us always.

Next, we move out of the self to our relationship with others. That’s where alms-giving comes in. We do not operate as islands and alms-giving points us in the direction of the other. By not confining ourselves to our own selfish needs, our vision of creation expands as we are better able to love and serve others from our own weakness. This practice of love of others helps to fulfil the command of the Lord to love others but also spreads the goodness and the humanity that is inherent within us to all around.

Finally, we move from the created to the creator. That’s where prayer comes in. We are made more human as we humble ourselves to seek God our creator. There is a part of all of us that wants to seek God, to improve our relationship with God and to move towards all that is divine. That’s the human in us that also seeks God who became human for us. We often stop ourselves with distractions and other things that intervene. During Lent, a clear commitment to prayer can bring us out of that rut towards repairing or deepening that relationship that we seek.

Humanify our Lent – be more human so that we can be more holy. Whatever way we like to see Lent, we embrace it as a time of grace that allows us to purify and sanctify ourselves in preparation for the mystery that is the passion, death and resurrection of our Lord. How are we being more human this Lent?

Three moments of Beauty

Winter’s come to Rome. The surest sign of this was felt last weekend during our Advent triduum (a three-day retreat) at a nice little retreat house on Rocca di Papa, a town on a hill not far from Rome. On the final morning of the triduum, I took a walk in the garden only to find that most of the grassy patches seemed to have been painted white overnight. ‘Snow?’, I thought to myself. On closer inspection, it wasn’t snow but frost on the grass and leaves that fell on the ground. The dew that fell on the grass froze overnight and left a fine dusting of frost on them. Held up to the light, the frost shimmered like little jewels on the surface of the leaves and grass, almost as if a clumsy thief had run through the fields overnight, dropping his loot of jewels willy-nilly on the grass.

I didn’t take this photo but it comes very close to what I saw. [Original]

I picked up a leaf, aflame with autumn red, to examine the little ice crystals that formed on the surface. As a result of the leaf’s proximity to me and the fact that I held it in the sun to see it sparkle, the ice began to melt. Beauty changed. The sharp angular edges of the crystals quickly softened into subtle curves which then turned into beautiful glistening globes of water. Diamonds turning into pearls almost, before the droplets rolled of the leaf, revealing its full autumn finery.

The beauty of the frosted leaf and the revelation of the fiery beauty beneath led me to realise that what we call beauty is something not just complex in itself but infinitesimally changeable both in space and time. Upon further reflection on this experience, I realised that I beheld three moments of beauty in that small little leaf. The first was the moment of temporary manifest beauty of the frost on the leaf. The second was the moment of transitory beauty of the red autumnal leaf. And the third was the permanent existential beauty of the leaf itself.

Beauty that is temporary and manifest happens in the moment and is special. It does not last long, as the frost on the leaf demonstrated, but it provides a momentary insight into the possibility of the sublime. It’s often fleeing and we thus have to be attentive to the world around us so that we don’t miss the opportunities to participate in this form of beauty. Given the temporality of this sort of beauty, we respond by relishing and savouring the moments that we can catch, enjoying and participating in it as much as we can. It’s catching the moment of joy in the laugh of a child, the depth of a note in a piece of music that touches our soul, the flicker of a candle in the gloom of a darkened chapel. These are moments that we sense, relish and remember.

Transitory beauty is all about change but change in itself is a moment of beauty. I’ve been reminded how beautiful autumn can be as the trees along my normal running route changed over the past months. The change has been almost imperceptible but when one does realise it, one cannot help but wonder at how change and the seasons bring beauty anew all the time. We appreciate the process, the transition itself. It’s all about sitting to watch the sunset, enjoying the transition from day to dusk to night. Watching the light fade, colours deepen and shadows lengthen until all that’s left is the shadow of day. It’s realising that we too are continually transformed, from golden evening through crimson dusk to indigo twilight, every day of our lives.

And then there’s the permanent, existential beauty that lasts and underlines everything that is temporary and transitory. It’s the inherent beauty of the leaf that goes beyond the autumnal reds and covering of frost. And it’s not just the physical beauty that’s involved here – it’s the existential beauty of the thing that’s in question. The leaf’s not just beautiful in its shape and form but beautiful in its ecological function and even more beautiful in it’s being part of the creation of God. It’s beautiful because it’s a leaf that’s created by God and not for any other external reason. Existential beauty drives our ability to love. We’re naturally drawn to beauty and more than just the externals, we’re drawn to beauty that’s deep within all things that we see. There’s a power in the simplicity of this moment of beauty – a power that we appreciate innately but may find difficult to express. This is why people fall in love and stay in love with each other for their entire lives. This is why works of art remain works of art for all ages. Beauty draws us to it and draws us to love.

There’s beauty in the world and there’s beauty in the Word made flesh. During these last days of Advent, we’re invited to contemplate the coming of the Lord into the world. We feel the beauty of transition as we live in this liminal space, quietly living in anticipation as we reflect on how we are changed and brought closer to the Lord in this time. Our anticipation reaches a climax in the singular event of the Nativity that, while momentary, is also infused with the permanence of the Word who is its centre. We celebrate the coming of Jesus into the world, the event of God becoming man to live among us. We also celebrate the permanence of this coming – of God’s continual presence among us now and for eternity.

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6 (KJV)

May this time of Advent be one of beautiful waiting and may the beauty of the Lord’s Nativity draw us into a deeper love for Him and His people around us. May the Prince of Peace bring true peace and joy into hearts so in need of consolation and may we have to courage to spread this joy to all. Amen.

Is it theology?

In a move that surprised many, Bob Dylan was awarded the 2016 Nobel Prize for Literature. I shan’t go into the drama that ensued after the announcement and how he almost seemed to snub the Swedish Academy (which awards the prize) as they tried to inform him about it. What I do want to write about is the speech that he wrote that was read at the awards banquet last weekend. It was a simple, humble acceptance speech which had a depth that touched me greatly.

The man himself. Artist, musician. Literary prize winner.

At the heart of the speech is the question of what makes literature literature or what makes good art good art. Using Shakespeare as an example, Dylan asks if one needs to know if one is writing literature when one writes something for the consumption of others. When an artist sets out to create, he or she would usually not be concerned with how the work would be received or what awards it would win but more with the technicalities of how to create it well in the eyes of the artist him or herself. An artist creates because he or she feels the need to do so, not out of the need for recognition from the world. That last bit seems to be the little subversive element to Dylan’s message. It’s a subtle (or perhaps not quite so subtle) jab at the Nobel Prize committee that, to him, ‘canonises’ texts and writers and in the process, determines what constitutes literature (or not). That’s not how artists work.

He wrote in the speech:

‘I began to think about William Shakespeare, the great literary figure. I would reckon he thought of himself as a dramatist. The thought that he was writing literature couldn’t have entered his head. His words were written for the stage. Meant to be spoken not read. When he was writing Hamlet, I’m sure he was thinking about a lot of different things: “Who’re the right actors for these roles?” “How should this be staged?” “Do I really want to set this in Denmark?” His creative vision and ambitions were no doubt at the forefront of his mind, but there were also more mundane matters to consider and deal with. “Is the financing in place?” “Are there enough good seats for my patrons?” “Where am I going to get a human skull?” I would bet that the farthest thing from Shakespeare’s mind was the question “Is this literature?”‘

What touched me about this was the reflection about how ordinariness can become extraordinary, whether acknowledged by a wider audience or not. He wrote about Shakespeare wondering about casting, staging and finances as he wrote his plays – important but very mundane questions that dramatists like him would have to worry about as they write plays. Dylan himself wondered about his songs and other technical but very mundane things. This lies at the heart of what we do – we don’t set out to be extraordinary but go about doing and worrying about ordinary things because what we do is important. We care about what we do, what we produce and what we create. This, I feel, makes the difference.

In a very roundabout way, this leads me back to where I am now and what I’m doing. It leads me think about the ordinary things that I do and wonder, ‘Is it theology?’ It leads me to think about what makes theology theology. Is it all about studies, books and peer-reviewed papers? Or can it be reflections that stem from the life of us ‘ordinary’ people? I’m tempted to say ‘yes’ to both with one caveat – that theology should be related with our relationship with God and with our lives in the church. My favourite definition of theology is fides quaerens intellectum or faith seeking understanding. That can come in the form of a complex well-researched paper on faith or a simple yet profound reflection on our lives of faith. In our normal lives, we ask questions about faith and God all the time. Taking some time to deepen these questions, to try to understand what our faith is all about – that’s the start of theology.

The beauty of simplicity, courtesy of Linus and Lucy. [Link]

Not everyone can write books and articles on theology but everyone of faith can think about and seek God. We’re all called to try to deepen our faith, our relationships within our faith communities and our relationship with God. We do that through the ordinary questions that we ask and the ordinary things that we do. We question and seek because we care about who we seek and what we do. Dylan mentioned honesty as being important when performing to a small audience. That applies to us to. Our personal attempts at theology as we try to question and seek in our lives require honesty, both to ourselves as well as to God. Our honesty helps keep the questions real and relevant to our lives, our faith and relationship with God.

So let’s continue living in our ordinariness, revelling in it and relishing all that we do and create. Let’s note the questions about our faith that emerge from our ordinariness and seek answers for them in the best way that we can. And let’s be honest with ourselves and with God so that we can be content with the things that we do and ready for the answers that can come our way. That, to me, is the start of theology and the basis of a wonderful life of faith.

The answer doesn’t always blow in the wind for it’s sometimes already deep within our hearts.

And three things remain: Inspiration, Faith and Love

In the closing of the year, one cannot help but feel a tad reflective. It’s been quite a year for me – starting in Kuching and ending in Rome. The transition has not been easy and I still feel that I’m in the process of adjusting to life here. Slowly or as the Italians like to say, ‘piano, piano’ or ‘gently does it’ seems to be the way to go. What follows is part of what should have been a letter to all the students I met and worked with during my time of regency at SJPS but especially to the first graduating batch. I offer my congratulations to the graduands and my prayers and best wishes to everyone. This one’s for all of you.

What follows are three points that I’d like to offer, points that I hope will help those who are to begin transition and for those who might need a little push to be better in some way. They won’t make one smarter, faster or stronger but I hope they will go some way in making us all better human beings. And here they are.

Be Inspired
I remember writing this on some cards after ‘Us and Them’, our drama club production this year and this is what it means to me. To look for and hopefully find activities, interests or even mentors who can help open our vision to things hitherto unseen or not yet experienced. To be inspired (by someone or something) is to feel more alive, more open to the world and ultimately yourself. Being inspired does two things. First, it pushes us outwards as we learn new things and are made more aware of our relationship with others and the world. It makes us more keenly in tune with God who is all around us. Secondly, it brings us inwards as we see ourselves grow, recognise our innate gifts, and become more able to use these gifts. We become more comfortable with ourselves and in tune with God.

Have Faith
To have a strong belief in things not (yet) experienced is to have faith. Hope comes with faith, a hope that reminds us that things will get better and all we need is a bit of patience. This is a hope that’s not blind but one that’s confident in our abilities and the grace of god. To have faith is to know that things aren’t going to be easy but that there will be help, relief and comfort from others and from God. It’s know that we’re not alone in this journey, that some suffering can indeed build character and that hope lights up the deepest darkness.

To love is simply to be and to live beyond ourselves. when we realise that we’re loved, we want to share that always. Love brings inspiration and faith together. Our inward inspiration allows us to see the love that we’ve received and the hope that it brings. To live not for ourselves alone but for others as well. To want to spread the joy of inspiration and the hope that faith brings. That’s just a small facet of this thing, this gift called love. And that makes our lives, no matter how tough, boring or ordinary, truly amazing ones. Why? Because they’re ours, unique gifts from God.


And the wisdom to know the difference

It’s funny how prayers have the tendency to sneak up on you when you least expect it. Been struggling with school and adjusting to studying in a foreign environment (yes, still…) and what I’ve realised is that they don’t quite abate but transform as one goes along. Not the best of states to be in but somehow the Lord has a way of getting to us and drawing us out of the darkness and into a place that’s at least a little less dimly lit. One thing that helped was the memory of Reinhold Niebuhr’s famous Serenity Prayer. We all know that one as it’s been printed on t-shirts, cards and all manner of religious knick-knacks but it’s ubiquity and near-cliché status should not detract from its deeper meaning. I’ve written about it before and if I’m not wrong, I was in a similar state then too.

The prayer in its full glory. I didn’t get further than the difference…

There are many versions of the prayer but this one sticks to me:

O God, give me the grace of serenity to accept the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things that should and the wisdom to know the difference.

In it, we ask for the grace of serenity, courage and wisdom. I see three moments of grace that are unique but interconnected which allow one to be able to face things around us, not just appropriately but with the love and hope that marks us as children of God. Explanations are in order.

We ask for serenity – not the serenity that comes from sitting cross-legged on lily pads in the middle of lakes but serenity of mind to be able to accept that God’s will can be different from ours. This is a state of being – a sense of being comfortable with oneself where one is without the need to struggle to change that state. This is particularly difficult for most of us now because for many of us, we’ve been brought up to believe that we can and should try to make changes to things around us so that we can live and function better. While that’s not all bad, we also need the strength of character to realise that it’s not the externals that need change, it’s just us. It takes humility to realise this, to realise that we’re not all-powerful and it takes a good amount of hope and patience for us to accept that things aren’t the way that we want.

The prayer would be nice if it just ended at the first line but it gets better. It gets us to ask for the grace of courage – true courage to stand up for things that are not right, to stand up for injustice that’s being done to us or others. We need courage and strength to do this as not everyone has the ability or willingness to go against the grain and speak out for what’s right. So there are indeed times where we need to step out of the serenity to try to make a change somewhere. Therein lies the problem – when do we do either.

That’s the key to the prayer – it’s not just a call to action or a retreat within oneself. It’s a prayer for discernment. Having the wisdom to know the difference between when to act and when to stay silent is the most important grace to have. We cannot fight all the time and neither should we allow people or things to roll over us with abandon, hence the need for discernment. It’s hard because most of us would tend towards either extreme – to act or to withdraw and very often, we have to go against our normal tendencies to be or do things correctly. But, how are we to discern?

Discernment can take up an entire series of posts and volumes upon volumes have been written on it. However, what is useful here are some bits of advice that St Ignatius, who wrote The Spiritual Exercises, gave to retreatants and Jesuits. To discern well, we need to be in the right state of mind. We cannot be overly agitated by things or biased towards one mode of being or doing. We have to take that step back, reflect and pray before making a decision. Additionally, we have to note where our desires are taking us and what motivates them. Are we acting to change things out of some deep-seated desire to take revenge on someone? Are we keeping silent and accepting things out of pure resignation or are we keeping silent because that’s the path of greater love? Keeping such considerations in a mode of prayer helps.

And so I continue to ask for the grace of wisdom, to not only know the difference but to be able to continue to live and accept the life of constant discernment that we’ve been called to. I don’t feel particularly wise now but I do feel that asking for the grace to be wise helps. For what it’s worth, at least it’s helping to cause a change within – from existential angst to tentative hope. And with that hope, we can survive.

about the brushhead

had a head like a brush (it's more like an egg now). seeks to sweep through thought and faith with that brush. tries to wax philosophical but often forgets to wax off. trying to be good brush to all, while discerning what kind of brush he's meant to be.

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On a rock, among the flowers, amidst mountains. Nice.

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