Discovery makes all things new

One of the things I like best about coming to a new place is the opportunity to explore the city and I have to say that Rome is probably one of the best places for urban exploration. Rome’s a fascinating city with a history so rich and layered that it feels like one is in the grand dame of cities that looks on the other younger cities with a gentle sense of bemusement. Exploration is as exploration does and the main ‘task’ of exploration is to discover – sights, sounds and smells that are at once foreign yet familiar. Through exploration and the subsequent discoveries that we make, we enlarge our world view by adding experiences to the ones that we already have, enriching them and creating new ways of seeing the world. Discovery makes old things seem new and prepares us with new eyes to view the world that seems always to open up with every new discovery.

I’m a person who likes a little structure in life and the same goes with my approach to exploration. Like some of the explorers of old, I usually prefer a slightly more structured approach to exploration. What normally happens is that I search for places of interest, read up a little on their historical, cultural or religious significance and then check their locations on the map before planning a route for my little exploratory trips. These have been ‘successful’ in that the discoveries made were well worth the preparation and journey. In particular, a longer trip to the Papal Basilica of St Paul outside the Walls made some week ago was an experience that was enriching intellectually and spiritually. The church was beautiful and significant historically but what really struck me was the deeply spiritual atmosphere that I felt while roaming around. The physical connection that one could feel with the Christians of the past was palpable there and the church just seemed to be constructed in a way that made one comfortable praying. An added significance to us as Jesuits was that St Ignatius and the first companions made their first vows in one of the chapels within the church in 1541, hence the importance of that church to the Society as a whole.

The apse or area just above the high altar of the church. Jesus, Mary and the saints. Basilica of Santa Maria in Trastevere.

So explorations come and go and give us experiences to take with us in our lives. But what I need to remind myself is that exploration does not need to be well planned like the ones that I’m used to. Several evenings ago, I found myself free with legs that needed stretching and so I decided to take a walk to look for a park that I heard much about. After consulting a map, I set out in search of the park. I didn’t quite find a park but instead stumbled upon a beautiful church, which Google very politely informed me was the Basilica of Santa Maria in Trastevere. It didn’t look extremely impressive on the outside but the dome of the church on the inside was covered with intricate mosaics of Jesus, Mary and many saints. It was a beautiful church made even more beautiful by the prayerful atmosphere that the art and architecture wrought. Outside in the piazza, there was a busker singing folksy-jazz songs with this guitar. The sun was setting at that moment, lending the scene a soft dusky orangey glow. Beauty to end an evening that was all about how beauty can appear in ways that we cannot even begin to imagine.

Discovery helps make all things new and gives us new insights into how we lead (or could lead) our lives. That’s well and good but the recent experience reminds me of one important aspect of discovery – being prepared for it. While one doesn’t quite go around waiting for amazing things to happen, we need to be sufficiently open-minded to be aware of things that could allow us new insights and ways of seeing the world. A little more religiously, it’s the acknowledgement of God’s role in all that we see and do and using that to realise that God indeed leads us to a deeper understanding of how we can truly appreciate creation around us. Just as scientists are often primed with a particular readiness to accept new experimental discoveries, so should we too be prepared to discover new things about our own world. Plans aid in making our lives easier – discoveries help us to grow in faith and wonder in the world.

Silence, Solitude and the Self

Silence, for some, can be deafening. For most of us modern urban folk, we’re so used to the noises of modernity that going away to a place that is silent, sans the normal city noises, can prove to be very uncomfortable. I’ve heard that many find total silence so, well, total that they require white-noise generators and other means of creating some kind of ambient noise so that modern sensibilities or senses can be catered to. Yet, we crave silence. We yearn for a reduction of the noise that we encounter on a daily basis and many try to look for little nooks within the city where silence can be found. Why is this?

The self and the reflection, made possible in the silence.

Having recently made my annual (silent) retreat, it seems timely to share some insights into what makes silence so special for us. As Jesuits, our annual retreats are non-negotiable and we spend 8 full days in silence, praying and reflecting, breaking the silence only for about half an hour a day when we speak with a spiritual guide who will help process some of our prayer experiences. It’s a privileged time that we spend to rest, review and reflect over what we’ve done or failed to do in a prayerful manner. We normally retreat to a house or centre that’s built for such purposes that are usually sited in slightly remote or quieter places out of the city.

In the silence, we hear more and perhaps that’s what’s so scary for many. We’re faced with just ourselves and God (if we so believe) and the realities of who we are can be mildly shocking for some and terrifying for others. Stripped of the noises and distractions that keep our attention outside of ourselves, we naturally turn inwards and that’s where the inner demons and other scary things come out to play. It’s quite possible that that’s how the temptation of Jesus in the desert turned out as well – the silence of the desert allowed Jesus, who’s also human, to hear what the devil wanted to say. Which is why many retreat directors and those who accompany others on retreat recommend proper preparation prior to a retreat. When staring into the void that is silence, the void can sometime stare back at us and that can be scary.

The other aspect of silence is the solitude that it engenders. Solitude should be distinguished from loneliness in that the former is where one is alone to spend time with oneself, to think, pray or just be. Loneliness on the other hand is where one is alone and feels bereft of company – it is a felt lack of others, feeling cut off and estranged from others. Seeking solitude often means seeking time with oneself and allowing all that is inside to surface. That’s one of the things that I enjoy about retreats – the solitude and the time that can be spent confronting things about myself that I feel need confronting. That it’s done in the context of prayer lessens the fear as we know that God accompanies us on this sometimes perilous journey within.

We hear more and with greater clarity in the silence. The chirp of a bird at dawn can sometimes sound like a trumpet blast. We can make out the nuances of tone and timbre of the various chirps that we hear in the deep silence of a forest. In a similar way, the silence helps us to focus on what’s important in ourselves and to bring those things into proper perspective. Shan’t go too much into my own shifts in perspective but suffice to say that while I’m still a little worried about the prospect of school starting soon, I’m grateful that it’s just worry and not outright fear or dread. I feel much more settled in where I am and am finally beginning to settle into my being here. A haiku (of sorts) written during the retreat to end:

Into great silence
On the journey interior
Sounds of the self

Mano!

Over the last weekend, had the opportunity to make a short visit to Tivoli, a town not too far from Rome. The interesting thing about that town is that it was, for a time, the administrative capital of the Roman empire under Hadrian. A huge villa was built there from which Hadrian ruled the vast empire. Some centuries later, a certain Cardinal D’este built his own villa on the side of the hills there, a villa that remains and testifies to the opulence of the church medieval. History aside, it was nice to be out of Rome to see the beauty of the hills around. But that’s not the main point. Context, as I always say, is important.

While walking through Hadrian’s villa, I happened to come across a young family enjoying their day out. The parents allowed their children to play in a small garden area and after a little while, the father gathered the children to move on. As they left, the smallest girl ran to the side of her father, extended her hand and said in a cute squeaky voice that only a 3-year-old can manage, ‘Mano! (Hand!)’ Her father in reply, reached out and held his daughters hand tightly as they left to continue their tour of the villa. It was a small word from a small person and a very natural gesture that struck me quite deeply.

‘Mano!’, said the child.

The little action showed the complete trust that the little girl had in her father and how that trust was demonstrated in a real, concrete way in the holding of hands. It’s good to ask ourselves, especially those of us who might think that we’re grown up, in whom do we have such complete absolute trust? More importantly, for those of us who profess a religion, do we have a similar relationship with God who we believe guides and comforts us in all things?

In the simple act of extending her hand to her father, the little girl sought comfort and security in his presence while also acknowledging his guidance and knowledge. In prayer, we often reach out our hands to the Lord, seeking security and comfort that can sometimes only come from the hands of He who created us. The act of reaching out and saying ‘Mano!’ is both an act of faith and an act of humility of the creature before the creator, knowing that there will indeed be a hand that reaches out to grasp ours. The other movement is the acknowledgement of the need for guidance. We can’t do everything ourselves and certainly don’t know everything and thus are constantly in need of guidance that comes from the Lord. The act of putting ourselves in the shoes of a child, as the Lord said several times in the Gospels, removes the useless pride that we often hold and allows us to become more receptive to the graces that we need from the Lord.

On a similar note, yesterday’s gospel (Luke 6:6-11 from Monday, 23rd Week in Ordinary time) told the story of a man who had a withered hand (la mano paralizzata or paralysed hand) that was healed by Jesus on the Sabbath in front of the scribes and Pharisees. There’s much to be said about the latter but what was significant that was described in the homily at mass yesterday were the words of the Lord who said, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ The action asked of the man and the action of the little girl are similar – we’re asked to stretch out our hands in faith that God will do something greater with it.

‘Stretch out your hand’, said the Lord.

Fr Mariano, who celebrated mass yesterday, mentioned that we’re all asked to reach out with our own personal versions of witheredness in our lives. We all come to the Lord with infirmities and are challenged to reach out to the Lord, going beyond ourselves and the self-consciousness that comes with the infirmities. Extrapolating from the homily, I also believe that sometimes, our hands might get withered from not stretching out enough and that we need to actively seek to help others or to be helped so that our hands are used in the way that they should be – in giving and receiving. If they’re not used for either, they get withered and that leads to atrophy.

With the command to stretch our hands out, the Lord seems to be inviting us first to reach out for the security and guidance that the hand of the Lord promises. We need first to receive before we can give. And we’re called to reach out in spite of our infirmities and quite often, we’re called to reach out because of our infirmities, to be healed even though we don’t quite want to be. That’s difficult in itself. But the stretching out and reaching, I believe, has a deeper purpose. We’re called to reach out not just to be healed but to be an instrument of healing. The father of the little girl reached out to his daughter to offer the same comfort and guidance that he must have received when he was young. So we’re called to do the same – to reach and receive so that we can ultimately do the same to others. Such is the life that we’re called to live – to receive and to give as we have received so generously in all parts of our lives.

Sitting at the last seats

The gospel reading from last Sunday’s mass (22nd Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year C) was, as all gospels tend to be, quite familiar. In the reading (Luke 14:1,7-14), we were reminded not to take the places of honour when attending a dinner where we can choose our seats but to choose the lowliest ones instead. After all, as the Lord reminds us, it’s better to be asked, ‘Friend, go higher’ than to have to suffer the embarrassment of having to shift to a less ‘honourable’ position at the dinner. While this is not going to happen very often to most of us, the ideas are interesting.

During the homily at that mass, the celebrant made a point that was simple yet incredibly striking. He said that there’s another reason why we should choose the seats furthest away from the seats of honour. We’d naturally want to sit at those seats because those are the seats because that’s where the Lord would be sitting and who wouldn’t want to sit there with him? The explanation was simple too – the Lord spent his life ministering to the poorest, those who needed help the most and thus if he had the choice to choose a seat in a banquet, he would automatically sit with the very people with whom he spent most of his time.

I found that though intensely consoling, especially at the end of a month of intensive Italian language classes in Genoa that also served as an immersion into all things Italy, courtesy of the Italian Jesuits. I came into the programme with high hopes for a dramatic improvement in my Italian. While I can’t say that my hopes did not materialise but it’s just that my improvement was far from dramatic and I’m still struggling. What it did do was to remind me of the need for patience, especially with myself, and how the Lord is indeed there with us, no matter where we are or where we’re sitting.

The pretty little town of Vernazza in the Cinque Terre region near Genoa. Just one of the examples of the beauty of the Ligurian coast.

A case in point was the process of writing the homily in the last post. Writing the English version was relatively simple but converting that into Italian was a painful process to say the least. Leo, an Italian Jesuit Scholastic with the patience of a saint helped correct the horrific Italian that I wrote it in and the edited copy reminded me of the English essays that I used to hand back to my students. It not only showed me how far I had to go as far as Italian is concerned but also reminded me that I’m not completely in control and need the help of others and especially the Lord in all things, especially at this current moment.

If grammar could be a horror story, this one would send everyone screaming.

Being someone who is used to being at least in some sort of control, being where I am is not quite as comfortable as I’d like it to be. The loss of control, the feeling of poverty of words and the humility that comes with having to accept that I’ve only the vocabulary and language ability of a 9-year old (if I’m optimistic) all point to one thing – the need to be with the Lord in the last seats and to revel in that experience of weakness. It’s only when I accept that I am at the last seats, that I’m far from the best yet loved by the Lord that the process of growth can begin.

Growth requires humility because one cannot grow without the help of others. Just as the person who’s at the last seats can move up because others ask them to, one grows with the help of others, working with the Lord in all things in the process. I realise that for a large part of my recent years, I’ve been part of the group that’s been helping others to grow. I do grow in the process but I’ve mostly been in a position to help others. Now I’m the one who needs help and lots of it. And it’s a grace in itself to be able to humbly receive the help without resentment and with the great gratitude that it deserves.

Control and letting go. Helping and being helped. Ability and inability. Humility. All part of the process of growth that the Lord seems to be leading me on. Upon prayer and reflection, I realise that I’m content with being in the place that I’m in. Not excessively happy or sad to be here but content. I know where I’m supposed to be and am sure that things will get better. Whether I move up in the banquet’s immaterial. What’s most important is that I sit with the Lord, sharing my inability and need for help with him, knowing that this is where I need to be now.

Sei Pronto? (Are you Ready?)

[My first ever homily/sharing written in Italian. Heavily edited with help from Leonardo Anguis, SJ, an Italian scholastic who’s been my tutor here in Genoa. His patience knows no bounds, especially with my terrible grammar. English ‘translation’ (actually that’s the original) follows.]

Venerdi, XXI Settimana di Tempo Ordinario
Corinzi 1,17-25; Salmo 32; Matteo 25,1-13

Quando ero bambino nella scuola elementare, ogni giorno prima di andare a scuola mia Mama mi diceva ‘Sei pronto?’ Questa domanda aveva molti significati – significare ‘Hai fatto colazione?’; ‘Hai preparato il tuo zaino?’; ‘Sei pronto per la scuola?’ La domanda era anche un modo per preparare la mia testa per la scuola. Quando rispondevo alla Mama, mi preparare, fisicamente e mentalmente per la scuola.

La parola ‘pronto’ appare spesso nel Vangelo di oggi. Nella parabola ci sono dieci vergini, cinque chiamate stolte e cinque chiamavano sagge. Le cinque vergini sagge è si possono chiamare pronte. Non le giudichiamo per la loro intelligenza o prudenza però vediamo che non tutte sono pronte, anche tra le sagge vergini. Sebbene le queste cinque hanno portato l’olio, possiamo dire che loro sono veramente pronte?

Dire se siamo veramente pronti è molto difficile. Sebbene prepariamo progetti, ci sono altre cose che accadono. Nella prima lettura, ascoltiamo che la sapienza di Dio è diverso da la sapienza degli umani. Ci sentiamo pronti con le nostre preparazione umana ma Dio può sentire in modo diverso. È inutile essere pronti come le vergini? Essere pronto è utile ma la prontezza non può essere superficiale. La prontezza può essere più profonda.

Che cosa è prontezza profonda? Essere pronti non è sufficiente? Secondo me, ci sono due tipi di prontezza. Le vergini sagge dimostrano il primo tipo di prontezza. Loro sono pronte con l’olio e cose materiale. Questa tipo di prontezza viene dalla paura dell’ignoto oppure un bisogno di controllare l’ambiente. Questa tipo non è male ma il secondo tipo è meglio. Il secondo tipo di prontezza viene da una profonda fede in Dio e nella sua provvidenza di Dio. Se una persona ha questo tipo di prontezza piena di fede, lei o lui sono preparato per qualcosa non perché ha avuto paura ma perché è pronto a collaborare con Dio.

La differenza è sottile però importante. Le vergini sono state sagge non perché hanno avuto paura di essere tagliate fuori. Loro sono stati pronte perché hanno voluto partecipare ce tutte sé stesse del matrimonio. Nelle nostre vite, è molto importante che realizziamo che Il Signore spesso ci invita e lavorare con lui. Negli esercizi spirituale, ricordiamo che nella contemplazione per ottenere l’amore, Il Signore invita a lavorare con lui nel mondo. Quindi, la prontezza profonda è quando prepariamo con gioia per lavorare con Il Signore in tutte cose.

Finiamo questa mese a Genova e ci prepariamo a partire, possiamo chiederci: Siamo pronti? Pronti per che cosa? In che cosa Il Signore ci invita a collaborare? Abbiamo studiato molti verbi, coniugazioni, preposizioni e frasi però questo cosa non ci fa ancora pronti. É bene che riflettiamo sulla nostra missione e su come noi possiamo lavorare con Il Signore in tutte le cose. Vogliamo avere prontezza profonda. Quindi, la disposizione al lavora con Il Signore è più importante delle molte cose materiali che possiamo preparare.

Allora, la prossima volta che una persona ci domande noi ‘Sei pronto?’, ci possiamo domandare anche ‘Come sono pronto?’ In questo modo, approfondiamo c’è nostro senso di prontezza, per preparaci e lavorare con Il Signore, per tutte le persone intorno a noi. Una piccolo pregheira per noi:

O Signore, rendici pronto a lavorare.
Rendici pronto, ma mai compiacenti.
Rendici preparati, ma mai soddisfatti di nei.
In tutte le cose, ti a vieni e sostienici.

***

Friday of the Twenty-first week in Ordinary Time
1 Corinthians 1:17-25; Psalm 32; Matthew 25:1-13

I remember a phrase from my childhood that usually came from my Mum in the hurried minutes just before leaving for school. ‘Are you ready?’ would be a catch-all phrase to check that I’d had my breakfast, packed my bags and had everything that I needed for school. The phrase was also part of my mental preparation for school, though I didn’t quite realise it then. My acknowledging the phrase meant that I was, at least at that moment, physically and somewhat mentally ready for school.

The word ready comes up quite a bit in the gospel for today. The parable told of ten bridesmaids, five of whom were said to be wise and the others foolish. One shall not pass judgement over their intelligence or prudence but looking at the ten of them, one realises that all ten of them weren’t quite ready. After all, all ten of them fell asleep and were not quite ready for the wedding party when they arrived. Five of them, however, were materially ready with spare oil. Prudence yes, but readiness?

It’s hard for us to say if we’re truly ready for something or not. We can prepare immensely and be ready for a project or event only for something that we did not expect to occur. The first reading reminds us that God’s wisdom is different from our human thinking. We can feel that we’re ready with all sorts of human preparation but God can dispose of us differently. Is it then useless to try to be ready like the wise bridesmaids? I’d say no but the readiness that we have cannot be superficial. We need to have a deeper sense of readiness.

Deeper readiness? Isn’t it enough to be prepared with lots of things to be ready? Readiness, in my opinion, can come in two forms. The first is when one is like the prudent bridesmaids and are prepared materially for eventualities. This readiness can come from fear of the unknown or from a human need to control one’s environment. While that’s not bad in itself, the second form comes not from fear but from a deep faith in the providence of God. If we have this second form of deeper readiness that stems from faith, we are prepared not because we fear but because we know the Lord’s there and we want to be ready to work or collaborate with God whenever necessary.

The difference is subtle but important. The bridesmaids were not wise because they were afraid of being left out of the wedding but because they wanted to ensure they could celebrate the wedding fully. In our lives, it’s important to realise that we’re constantly invited to work and collaborate with God in all things, to ‘labour with God in all creation’ (Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius, #235). Here, one is in full recognition of God’s wisdom and prepares oneself in anticipation of the joy of working with the Lord.

As we go our separate ways after this month in Genoa, it’s good to think about this question too. Are we ready? Ready for what? What is it that we’re invited to collaborate with God on? Being ready with verbs, conjugations, prepositions and sentences is great because that helps with our communication. But that’s probably not enough to keep us going. Reflecting on our mission, what we really need to truly work with the Lord can open ourselves up to God’s wisdom and bring us to where we need to go and the state that we need to be in. It’s not the things that we have that’s important but the disposition to work with the Lord in all things that truly makes us prepared.
So perhaps the next time we’re asked if we’re ready, it would be good to ask ourselves ‘how’ as well. That way, we can deepen our sense of readiness – not just in preparing things or materials but in being ready to labour with God in the creation of the world around us. A little prayer for us:

Lord make us ready to labour.
Keep us content but never complacent.
Keep us prepared but never self-satisfied.
And in all things, keep us reliant on God’s guiding wisdom.

Pray for Italy

It is sometimes said that the smallest light shines brightest in the darkest night. The central part of Italy (some 150 km from Rome) was hit by a 6.2 magnitude earthquake (terremoto in Italian, literally ‘moving land’) that has claimed almost 250 lives according to the latest news report. It’s the most serious earthquake to hit the seismically and volcanically active Italy for a while. In the midst of the sorrow and suffering where thousands of families are left homeless and bereft of loved ones, small glimmers of hope continue to emerge. There were reports of an eight-year-old girl pulled from the rubble some 18 hours after the quake and other equally inspiring stories of courage and strength that have come through the local media. We hear of people starting reconstruction campaigns a scant 12 hours after the quake. The light that resides deep within us cannot be extinguished even by terrible events like this. In fact, it is revealed and thus shines even brighter.

On a more personal note, I was very touched by the numerous messages received over the past day from friends from all over the world. Truth be told, I’m not very good at keeping in touch with others but am amazed at the love and concern that poured out in this direction over the past day. This reminds me that the media (social or otherwise) has a great capacity to help us to do good and to show love and is not just a bearer of bad news. However, it still doesn’t quite give me the last push needed to get further into the whole social media thing. Later perhaps.

We’re quite far away from the earthquake being in Genova (or Genoa) in the north of Italy but our thoughts and prayers continue for those affected. We continue to pray especially for the families who have lost loved ones and their homes, for the communities as they seek to recover from the tragedy and for those working tirelessly to give aid to those most in need.

Struggling to speak, speaking of struggle

I was introduced to an interesting albeit somewhat depressing analogy for life recently. I was told that life is like a pendulum, swinging between boredom and despair, passing briefly through moments of joy in the middle. While I don’t quite agree with this assessment of life, the swing of the pendulum was quite apparent this past week and it’s given me much to think about, both within myself as well as how I’m operating within the world.

And it swings, moment to moment. Bad physics joke but couldn’t help it.

During the past week, I went through the gamut of emotions of joy at learning new things in Italian class to despair at not being able to grasp what seemed like simple concepts relating to prepositions and conjunctions to settle finally with a sense of calm anticipation of better times to come. As mentioned before, patience is important and I realise that for some time, I lost patience with myself and my ability to learn properly. I want to improve, to communicate effectively and to understand the lessons that are to come but that cannot and will not happen overnight. The problems arose when I expected that to happen.

Being unable to communicate effectively can be hugely demoralising. Try sitting with others, during meals or otherwise, having ideas and means to join in the conversations but are unable to because one has the vocabulary of a 6-year-old. Or worse, sitting with others and losing the thread of the conversation because we just don’t understand the words. Or sitting in class correcting one’s grammar exercise and realising that one got less than half of them correct. Language acquisition isn’t easy at the best of times but when the added pressure to do ‘better’ comes from within, the pendulum can quickly swing towards despair and stay there.

To make things worse, I’m an educator and spent some time in language education. If I can’t motivate myself to learn well, then what right do I have to even step into a classroom again? A little overdramatic I must admit but then again, I do have a particular penchant for melodrama. Jokes aside, I realise that the struggles in learning that I go through now can have a positive effect on how I approach education in the future. I just have to learn something in the process. What I did learn (or at least remember) while desperately trying to swing myself out of was that learning includes both knowing and understanding. How one approaches both of them in one’s efforts can have a great impact on how one truly learns in the end.

Italian has three words related with knowledge and understanding. Conoscere means ‘to know’ – a simple indication of one recognising a particular person, thing or idea. Capire (from which comes the famous word from the Godfather movies, ‘Capisce’) means ‘to understand’ – an indication that the knowledge has been internalised and can be used in a similar context. Sapire means ‘to know so that it can be used’ – a higher form of knowledge that includes the willingness and ability to use one’s knowledge. Learning and studying helps one to know things but it’s only with constant contact with the language and the willingness to use it and to make all manner of silly mistakes with it can we progress to the point where we know the language well enough for it to be used.

Being able to speak and communicate requires one to ‘sapire’ the language so that it can be used. I’d say that’s the main thrust of what we’re trying to do here. The minor setbacks are part and parcel of learning and the struggle to speak and to use the grammar does make one stronger. I remember telling my students that ‘suffering builds character’ and I think my character’s being built pretty well these days. The struggle to try to use what little I know to communicate continues and perhaps it is the lines from St Paul that can help:

“Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutionns, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

Or in Italian:
“Perciò mi compiaccio nelle mie infermità, negli oltraggi, nelle necessità, nelle persecuzioni, nelle angosce sofferte per Cristo: quando sono debole, è allora che sono forte.” (2 Corinzi 12:10)